#68

I keep having dreams and thinking about something that happened a while ago. It was on the anniversary of my father’s death last year. I looked at the clock and saw that it had struck midnight, October 31, 2011. A seemingly harmless holiday to anyone else. As we laid on the fold out bed i stared at the clock, almost in disbelief of all of the significance held in that moment. “I’m sorry.. about what time it is.” he said. I laid down and couldn’t help myself from uncontrollably spitting out everything I missed about my dad, and even to the gruesome details of how he passed, and all of the guilt and remorse I felt for not treating him the way I wished I had, while fighting back tears. He embraced me and I laid looking at the chair on the other side of the room, while he laid behind me holding me. I turned slightly to look at him, and he too, had been crying. It was one of the most beautiful and therapeutic moments of that entire year. To have that connection and experience true sympathy and empathy that nobody had ever been able to give me before. And he just listened, taking it all in, didn’t try changing the subject once, just letting me get all of it out. I was able to let go of any guilt I still felt after that moment. I went back to being me and fell asleep quickly after rubbing the tears from my eyes and giving him a kiss good night. He offered some short bits of wisdom that he could provide, and also fell asleep after some kisses good night.

It’s haunting at how quickly you turned into something I didn’t think you were.

#67

“Just go on and live your life. There’s no reason to be enveloped in this heartache. You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t need any of this. Try to stop loving him.”

Best advice I’ve received in a very long time.

#66

No matter how hard it gets, keep believing in yourself.

I need to start meditating and expressing my thoughts more regularly, what better place than here. Motivation doesn’t come easy, but I’m all I’ve got and I’ve got to motivate myself to always do better. At school, at work, relationships, in every aspect! There’s always room for improvement. I need to take out the bad, and start taking in some good. I owe it to myself, and who will be here soon!

I can do this. Repeat.
Never, ever, ever, ever, give up!

 

#65

Sometimes things don’t turn out as horribly as we assume they will.
The trouble of being such a pessimist.

Although, isn’t it encouraging, when something positive happens that you aren’t expecting?

Alone

This wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but I’m reasoning with myself ways to deal with it. The one key thing to remember is the only way to not get your heart broken is to act as if you don’t have one. I’m too nice which is the issue. I can try to tell myself maybe someday I’ll get what I deserve, but the reality is, I don’t know that, and it may never happen. The best choice is being alone, nobody can hurt you that way. So, here’s to wasting nine months with someone that was not at all who I thought they were.

Scrapbooking

I started a scrapbook filled with pictures of us, our memories, and what means a lot to us. I’m already about half-way done with a lot more ideas! This is definitely something productive I can do for us that I will have fun doing! And nothing is as rewarding as a job well done! The cost including stamps, stickers, paper, scissors, etc. came to about $100 for everything I’m going to need, but I will be using all of the materials for future scrapbooks, which I don’t see costing much more than $20/piece considering everything involved. I would definitely recommend this hobby and believe if you have the patience and creativity, go with it, and make a unique scrapbook of your own! And show me what you’ve got!

Good-Bye for Now

Just be safe, I’ll love you if you’re crazy, I’ll love you if you lose both of your legs and both of your arms, I’ll love you a year from now, I’ll love you always.

The past week taught me a lot. I’m not going to let you down, We’re going to make this work.

What love is supposed to feel like

” You are so beautiful. So Perfect. So sexy and smart. No girl I have ever seen can come close to comparing to how amazing you are. I love kissing your lips so much, I love digging our bodies into each other when we are naked or clothed, it’s the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. And having sex with you is literally a high. Please be mine for the rest of our lives, I will never want anyone else, I wanna marry you. I never want to spend a day from you unless I absolutely need to. You’re my life, Sarah Lamond. :’) “

Catch the Wind

In the chilly hours and minutes,
Of uncertainty, I want to be,
In the warm hold of your loving mind.

To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand, along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sundown pales the sky,
I wanna hide a while, behind your smile,
And everywhere I’d look, your eyes I’d find.

For me to love you now,
Would be the sweetest thing, ‘twould make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind.

For standin’ in your heart,
Is where I want to be, and I long to be,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.

Things are looking up

Well, although a few things didn’t go as planned the past few days, for example, not being able to ship to basic training, or, having to spend the last few days completely stressed rather than happy like i’d expected. But, we have to take the good with the bad. I’m closing on my house next week and I can’t wait to make improvements on it. Along with closing on thr house, I’m also going to be buying a vehicle. Life is certainly looking up, and I can’t wait to see my one and only next month, I miss him dearly, but I’m so proud of him.

P.S. Happy Valentines Day, all.